releasingmydemons

The beginning… I hope I am here for the end

There’s times in our lives where we think about our past and we want to write down our stories and problems. Today I start to try to put myself together. I want to help other people while I try to overcome circumstances that I had no choice because they affected my life where I did. I sit here penniless and by myself, no friends and nothing to do. I feel estranged from my family. My grandmother sits in the living room while I sit outside trying to pick up pieces of myself before they are blown away never to be seen again. My life seems at a stand still, yet I am still here. I know what I want to do I am doing… writing. I like to lose myself on this paper just to find peace with my restless thoughts. I gain so much more as I write this, while I lose so much trying to live. Here on this paper I am living… I have a reason for my life. My life is a tragedy yet inspiring if not only to myself. Right now I choose to live this play. Hoping that somehow it will matter in some way because if not I am lost just wandering through life trying to find something that matters. Something that I can hold on to that doesn’t crumble or burn in the ashes of the fire that seems to come out of me. I live my life with no purpose. If death was to knock at my door my natural survival instincts would kick in… I would fear and I would fight. Still a small part of me would welcome him with open arms. I take responsibility that this is the outcome of the choices I made. I live with no regrets for my actions except of the hearts I hurt along the way but as for others I am proud when I rebelled. Rebelled against some that I feel tried to pull my strings like a puppet. Some of them strings I still have to let be pulled or the consequences would truly be devastating. This life is my own and no one else’s I choose to live life my own way. I guess living that way not always intentionally I have pushed everyone out of it I realize that my decisions do affect other people but my true hurt and true pain they do not feel. I want no pity nor do I expect anyone to try to realize my decisions, actions or ways anymore. Other people’s actions only affect me if I let them have a role in my life. Sometimes I do have to shove my wants aside while other people dance on my heart. I try to keep people who are the main characters in my play important and not put them backstage as long too. Even though I’m the main character I am usually in the audience watching scene after scene and when call in… act as a replacement character. As the play unfolds I live through broken dreams and turn around on dead-end streets. Even as some of the characters change some still remain the same. I just dream of a stage and a role in life where I can be the starring role with starring characters that I can trust with the real me. So that when the play is over, I can quit acting and actually live my life. I’d much rather be the writer instead of having this starring role. Even a writer sometimes wants to live a life that only their imagination creates but right now I can only write about the life I live.